invis | ic contact

[ this is just the sound of nathan wanking very loudly and very enthusiastically.

he's not actually doing it, but he's a fairly convincing actor.

WELCOME TO SPACE BUDDY. ]

[It's sad that he's probably heard this before.]

Don't you have anything better to do?

[ there's a fair amount of white noise before he manages to pick up the comms device and hold it properly. ]

No.

That was an impression of you, by the way. Have you wanked to the blue lady on the network yet.

I haven't wanked to anyone.

[And then, almost as an afterthought:]

And I don't want to know if you have.

[ wow way to ruin the party man. ]

So how's space going for you.

[ he has opinions on space; this is more an introduction to him ranting about it than actually caring what you think. sorry, simon. ]

I'm going to try to join the flight crew. I'm going to go for it.

[Simon sounds a little excited. Now might be a good time for wanking.]

What department are you in?

[ flight crew......... ]

Yeah, good luck with that. The lady in charge of it has loads of cats, man, I think she's a bit nuts.

[ or she didn't like his sexy jokes, so clearly she's nuts. ]

And I'm almost in medical. Sort of. If I can be bothered to show up for the lessons I'm in medical, but that's mostly just so I can clone some drugs.

Because having cats makes her nuts?

[Simon's pretty sure that whoever's in charge of medical must be a bit nuts.]

You should join the flight crew. You could be my wingman.

I thought I already was your wingman.

[ seriously, he's hurt. ]

But seriously, if anybody's the wingman here, it's clearly you.

I meant literally. In flight formation, you'd be positioned behind and outside me.

Positioned behind you and outside of you.

Are you trying to tell me something, Barry.

You should consider it seriously.

[Wait, did he forget who he was talking to here.]

Are you sure you wouldn't rather I was behind you and inside of you.

[ can you see the eyebrows waggling despite the lack of visual, because they're there. ]

I'd rather be probed by the woman with tentacles.

Now you're just being mean.

Did I mention her tentacles have a girth of roughly, say, a foot or so.

[ or something. he can't remember how big, he just remembers they're big. ]

I miss Kelly.

[Mostly because she'd be putting Nathan in his place right now.]

Curtis. Alisha...

I wonder why they weren't chosen.

[ ouch. he misses them too, actually, but he'd rather not dwell on it, you pussy. so yes, let's go with the chosen thing instead. ]

Maybe it's something to do with populating distant planets. That's a thing in your shitty films, isn't it?

Because I'm not being funny, but if we've been chosen for anything, producing semen seems to be the likely bet. We haven't exactly got many life skills.

You think our purpose here is to impregnate alien females.

[Actually, Simon could live with that.]

Well I certainly hope it is. We can't possibly be here to fight, this ship is ninety percent useless shitheads.

[ this is the closest he has come to serious thought about why they're on this ship. ]

If we do have to fight, I'll fight with you.

[It'll be okay Nathan.]

[ oh awkward, that's actually endearing. he sounds mildly reluctant. ]

Thanks, man.

But when you say fight, do you mean you'll go invisible and fucking cheese it? Because no offense, but that hasn't really been a very effective tactic so far.

[ more on stride with the last bit. ]

I'll cheese it as a last resort.

attn: simonbarry

a new trial has been set for you
also a status update on your other trials is required

I spoke to Carolyn. I didn't find out about the lover. We were invaded by pirates.

and how is carolyn
and how is her pussy [WAIT FOR IT] cat(s)

thank you for the information on the pirates i had no idea
before i set your trial to you i must ask: did you fight any

I heard she was injured. And I think it has a shedding problem.

I did fight them. Why is that important?

how sad on both counts
hopefully they can cure her shedding problem whilst patching her up

because we want to know if we ought to reward you or not
would you say that you WON your fight(s)

Yes. I would say that the pirates lost.

and did you endanger any civilian lives/leisure and/or lives/leisure of friends

[Simon hesitates at that.]

I asked Nathan to help me.

ahhhh
well we will have to consult him to see if he believes that you endangered his life/leisure

hang on

[aaaand this text comes without so much as a pause]

he says yes you did
but we will not ask you to explain yourself/your actions
your reward will be your punishment as well simonbarry
rewardishment
this is a fair judgement do not question it

we sentence you to the spacebar

You want to take me out for a drink.

[There's something familiar about this. He remembers being invited to a bar once before - or thinking he was.]

Is Nathan going to be there?

well yes of course
he is only being rewarded so hell have to be there

you will receive a new trial at the time of the rewardishment
also this is also sort of a trial just so were clear

When should I be there?

3 DAYS
we cant tell you a specific hr you must just be there waiting
but it will be eveningish

bring 4 sheets of paper

Is it going to be a written test?

bring the paper and dont ask questions simonbarry

My name isn't SimonBarry. It's just Simon.

[But he'll be there just the same.]

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